The danger posed by poats

Bridget and I had a quite frightening adventure today with a poat. I realize most to no other people have probably heard of poats, so I thought I would take the time to warn you, my beloved and slightly crazy (you must be, to read this blog) readers of this danger.

Now, about poats. We don’t quite know what they are, but they are to be feared. They cannot be defeated, though using fire against them and sneezing on them can often make them think twice about attacking you. Loud noises disturb them, so if you happen to see a poat, then (and I cannot possibly emphasize the importance of this enough) RUN, but quietly! (Quietly meaning no screaming, wailing, or tearing out hair [which hurts, by the way], all of which also slow you down while running.)


Poats, despite the popular belief among people who have heard of them, are not the same as poets or stoats. They have some characteristics in common, but they are quite different besides those few things. (I am not an expert on the lifestyle and habitat of a poat, so I do not include what those things are.)

The prickly poat

The less said about this variety of poat, the better. Fortunately, the poat Bridget and I were chased by was merely a regular poat, not a prickly poat. If you, my readers (I tremble at the thought) should ever happen to chance upon a convention of prickly poats, then — well, the least said the better. We would profoundly miss you were that to happen.

The pouce

Poats can only be killed by one thing — their natural enemies and predators, who are very fortunately not hostile to humans, like poats or other such creatures.
The natural enemy of a poat is a pouce. Pouces are quite friendly creatures, though they are quite ferocious when they see a poat!

How to guard yourself against poats

Well, they are really everywhere, though they usually keep hidden well (they sleep a lot, otherwise there would have been trouble with them long before now) so there isn’t a poat-free place you could go to for an extended vacation. The best thing you could do, I’d say, is keep away from dark, shadowy corners where they like to sleep, avoid making loud noises, and, above all, do NOT deliberately disturb any place where you suspect there might be a poat!

Note — this advice is only for the regular variety of poats. Prickly poats are quite a different matter. The best advice I can give you for safeguarding yourself against the possibility of a prickly poat attack would be to get a pouce for a pet, or (if it refuses, since they are quite proud) a bodyguard. (But they demand quite a bit more than minimum wage, so that, too, may present difficulties.)

I wish you luck, my dead readers — er, I meant dear, please forgive me for my slip of the tongue — in successfully avoiding poat attacks.

One last thing, which studies have proved might have a 57 % chance of working as well as sneezing against poats, and might even have some effect on prickly poats — don’t say more, say Mordor!