Sunday, November 9, 2008

Tarantulas and Tapeworms and Obama, oh my!

Barack however-you-spell-his-middle-name Obama is an iguana. And he’s the Antichrist.

My dearly beloved readers, we have an iguana for an Antichrist.

Now, some of you may ask (and perhaps disappear mysteriously soon after asking) how I know that Obama is an iguana. The answer is simple. I have deduced it. From what, you may ask (if you live long enough to ask a second question). And, if you manage to blurt out a third question as you are being dragged away, I imagine it would be “How can you prove it?”

Logic, my dear readers, is to be shunned. Logic is cold, hard, icy, and impenetrable; an unreasoning leap of the mind to a conclusion that may or may not be the correct conclusion. For instance, say I were to pick up a bar of chocolate as I wander beneath a grim forest where the sun barely shone, and say to myself, “This is chocolate.” How would I know it was chocolate? Because my eyes told me so, and I believe my eyes. Because my heart told me that what I held in my hands was chocolate. But say I instead sat down, stared at the bar of chocolate very hard, and proceeded to reason logically to myself whether or not what I was holding was, in fact, chocolate, until sheer fatigue overtook me, and I fell into a deep, dark sleep, waking to find myself holding a fistful of sand. Logic would tell me that it had not been chocolate all along, whereas if I had just believed the evidence my eyes and heart showed me and disregarded the doubts of my brain, I would have happily consumed a delicious bar of mouthwatering chocolate!

Logic is, in fact, much as it pains me to say this, for fools. Smart people are simply not logical! Logic is unfashionable, unpopular, obsolete, ostracized, detested, out-of-date, old-fashioned, behind the times, archaic, superseded, outmoded, passé, hated, out of favor, old, antiquated, ancient, defunct, reviled, loathed, abhorred, insufferable, despicable, disgraced, disfavored, aged, antediluvian, olden, prehistoric, redundant, primeval, useless, intolerable, primordial, unendurable, unspeakable, bygone, insupportable, unbearable, appalling, dreadful, contemptible, wicked, shameful, dishonorable, vile, loathsome, superfluous, disused, unneeded, revolting, unnecessary, un-called for, primitive, ineffective, primal, of no use, excruciating, a waste of time, futile, ineffectual, inadequate, worthless, agonizing, disgusting, terrible, long-gone, in the past, ignominious, depraved, base, low, ignoble, detestable, and simply not accepted!

I hope I have convinced you of the truth of this, my dear readers. I have tried my best. However, you are probably wondering what all that had to do with Obama, and I will answer.

Because I trust in my eyes and my heart to tell me the truth, I do not need logic. Logic tells me (or tries to) that Obama is not an iguana. However, it is quite fortunate that I do not rely on logic to tell me what is, and what is not. I value the evidence of my eyes and my heart far above logic, and they both tell me unhesitatingly that Obama is an iguana. My eyes tell me that he looks like an iguana. My heart tells me that he talks like, acts like, and, in short, is an iguana.

Obama is an iguana. I am sure you agree with me, my dear readers (or what is left of you, anyway), for how could you not? Have I not laid out in a clear, precise manner the proof of his being an iguana, and showed you why the evidence against it is unfashionable, unpopular, obsolete, ostracized, detested, out-of-date, old-fashioned, behind the times, archaic, superseded, outmoded, passé, hated, out of favor, old, antiquated, ancient, defunct, reviled, loathed, abhorred, insufferable, despicable, disgraced, disfavored, aged, antediluvian, olden, prehistoric, redundant, primeval, useless, intolerable, primordial, unendurable, unspeakable, bygone, insupportable, unbearable, appalling, dreadful, contemptible, wicked, shameful, dishonorable, vile, loathsome, superfluous, disused, unneeded, revolting, unnecessary, un-called for, primitive, ineffective, primal, of no use, excruciating, a waste of time, futile, ineffectual, inadequate, worthless, agonizing, disgusting, terrible, long-gone, in the past, ignominious, depraved, base, low, ignoble, detestable, and simply not accepted?

Therefore, Obama is an iguana. (From now on, I will refer to him as “the Iguana” or “Obama the Iguana”) Let us move on to my second statement.

Obama the Iguana is the Antichrist.

How can I prove this, you ask? My dear readers, I thought I had already explained very thoroughly that proof is unnecessary! *sighs and shakes head mournfully*
However, if you insist, I shall do my best to please you. The Iguana is the Antichrist, and the numbers back me up. When I took the Iguana’s full name, after a lengthy and difficult process, it came out to 666.666666. And, my reader, if that is not proof, then what is?

We must prepare ourselves with great fortitude for the time of woe and tribulation that is to come. And, my dear reade—oh, dear, there goes the last one—the best way to prepare your heart is by this: Don’t say more, say Mordor!

15 comments:

Victoria said...

That was hilarious!!!!! I loved it...and so did my mom. She said, "That was very clever!" One thing, though: I don't get the 666 thing with his name. Explanation please!

Angel_Horses said...

Haha! Lol, Vicki, your mom is reading my blog?

Ok, I left out how I got to 666.666666 because it wasn;t as funny, and the post was already pretty long. Here's how I did it: I took Obama's full name, and turned each letter into it's corresponding number: A = 1 and so on. So for the first letter of his name: B = 2 = 2 x 2 = 4.
Ok, so then I took the result of all that converting and multipplying, and I added it up, and then devided it by 2.88 (which, by the way, happens to be the number of years and days he will be president before getting impeached or assasinated! 2 years and 88 days =P) and the final result was 666.666666! And that was with his middle name misspelled!

Kitty Cat said...

All hail thesaurus. *dies laughing*

You forgot to give the correct pronunciation of the Iguana's name, however. =P

It is actually Bare-ack (like the singular of barracks) Who-seen O-bam-uh. But of course, O-bam-uh usually has to be pronounced O-bah-ma to sound right with Iguana.

Anonymous said...

You all know that 666 is the number of the beast (satan) right?
It is said that the antichrist will have this number.
So if his name converted to 666 we would have a problem.

(warning: I will probably use some of that unfashionable, unpopular, obsolete, ostracized, detested, out-of-date, old-fashioned, behind the times, archaic, superseded, outmoded, passé, hated, out of favor, old, antiquated, ancient, defunct, reviled, loathed, abhorred, insufferable, despicable, disgraced, disfavored, aged, antediluvian, olden, prehistoric, redundant, primeval, useless, intolerable, primordial, unendurable, unspeakable, bygone, insupportable, unbearable, appalling, dreadful, contemptible, wicked, shameful, dishonorable, vile, loathsome, superfluous, disused, unneeded, revolting, unnecessary, un-called for, primitive, ineffective, primal, of no use, excruciating, a waste of time, futile, ineffectual, inadequate, worthless, agonizing, disgusting, terrible, long-gone, in the past, ignominious, depraved, base, low, ignoble, detestable, and simply not accepted LOGIC! ;D

Many people are saying that he is the Antichrist because:
#1.In Revelation it says that the Antichrist will rulle over the earth for 3 1/2 years, the term of presidency.
#2. It says that he win them over with words and excellent rhetoric.

I do not think this because he does not seem evil enough and not as persuasive as one would think the antichrist will be.

Paul Xavier said...

ZOMG!!!! *Cries* NOOO!!! How could they! We've elected an Iguana President! But if Obama is an Iguana (Lovely Ring by the way... ;) ) then Osama is a Llama! AND MCCAIN IS A CRANE!!! *gasps* This is such a conspiracy!!! And...the anti-Christ? He's anti-Christ in his stand on things...but you have to admit, Obama's a good speaker. *goes into a trance*

Paul Xavier said...

Or is Obama the Llama?

Rose said...

lol, Lanta, well done! Totally hysterical and unbelievable to the FBI! (Or anyone else who was watching you suspiciously) ;)
Obama the Iguana! Like it!

@ Paul - But Obama the Llama is even better! And McCain the Crane! *gasps* 'Tis a conspiracy!
Er, what is Biden then? Biden the Lion? *shakes head* Hmm, nope.

Angel_Horses said...

Obama the Iguana eats llamas! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Aonymous, (who are you??? you didn't sign your name) I think I may do a post about how everyone's saying Obama's the antichrist...though I don't think he actually is. :-\ If I can force myself to be serious long enough, that is.

Anonymous said...

Ummmmmm*thinks up a name*, I can be Christi.
I made up a limmerick(at least I think that it is, but I probably have the number of syllibles wrong)

Obama The Llama

It seems Obama's a Llama,
But some say he's an Iguana,
We will shout,
Get him out,
Maybe Osama's a Llama.

Anyway, that's the best i can do.
Christi

Angel_Horses said...

Hehe!

Christi, do you go on FTN or are you just a random person who found my blog??? :)

Anonymous said...

She goes on Fairy tale novels forum if that is what you mean.
Cor Mariae

Rose said...

Helloooo girls? Are you still alive?

Post mordor random things!

Angel_Horses said...

ah, I see.

Lady Rose-- *blushes* I'm sorry!!!!! hey, I wrote a funny poem about random profound thoughts, I'll post that!

I'm really sorry I've been neglecting this blog the last few days, I've been having to go on our old, cranky computer since our (somewhat) newer computer got hacked, not once, but twice!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRR!@!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Well, when I first discovered your blog I was just a random person but now I did join the Fairy Tale Novels...So i am both!(sort of:)
*C

The Other Katie said...

Omymuffins that was hilarious! I almost cried!

My mom's pro-Obama friend (or my pro-Obama friend's mom, however you want to put it) (she called my mom her "BCF- Best Conservative Friend" on her blog) told my mother about a bumper sticker at Cafe Press that says "Obummer". XD Thought you might like that.

I'm going to go find something to rhyme with Biden.